Preface: The hardest part of writing is that it reveals who you are. And if people know who you are, you open yourself up to judgment and losing face. But part of not being ashamed of the gospel is also not being ashamed of what the gospel is doing to you. It takes guts to bear witness.
This piece was born out of a time of simultaneously exhilarating and heavy spiritual growth. It was surprising to write and difficult to publish because it’s honest and unapologetic. I’ve let it sit, untouched, for a long time now because it’s a raw picture. It shows me for who I am and what’s happened in my life for what it is.
Until now, I haven’t had the words or courage to describe what God is doing in my life without sounding like a total weirdo who’s gone off the rails. I guess I’m just ok with that now. I’m tired of guarding myself around the spiritually elite who want me to be something I’m not. I’m tired of playing church and convincing myself that the standard efforts of “good Christianity” are an adequate substitute for real faith.
To many on the outside who have followed my writings on this blog or who know me superficially, it looks like I walked away from Christianity. I’ve actually gotten that question. But I think what’s actually happened is that I’ve found it. By God’s unimaginable grace, He’s shown me the thing that being a follower of His Messiah has always been about. In the rapid growth over the past seven years, my faith has matured into something I never imagined. Something, I’ve found, many Christian modalities don’t know how to accommodate, identify, or utilize. The knowledge of God and His son has changed me, and I won’t be ashamed of that.
It’s the good news of Jesus the Messiah that has brought me to the frontier I’m standing on today. I never would have found it on my own. I’m too timid and crooked. Anything good inside my soul is a gift from the Creator, and I believe our God is kind enough to use broken vessels in our weakest moments. He’s the One who has given me the boldness I need to live out my faith in a way that is authentic, even if it’s not the traditional expression I’ve leaned for on most of my life. He sent others before me to help me grow, and He surrounds me with people who love Him that bear my burdens even out here on the frontier. He gives the words, and it’s from His outrageous love that I am able to stand in courageous love. To God be the glory.
"Hey they’ve all gone up on stage,
with applause from their fan club.”
I stood and watched as they bowed their heads
and left me in the dust.
It’s a bittersweet world,
and sometimes the hardest place
to leave are those buildings made of stone.
But it’s ok.
Because my wages are stored in the ages,
the ones coming when He rides the clouds.
And right now He feels near
while I stand on this dusty frontier,
holding the hands of the hungry and the worn,
tryin’ to figure out how I got here.
But my wages will come with the ages. I’ll take frontier life over their stages.
Lonely hands, wrinkled hands, long forgotten in the back.
"Hey did you see our newest thing that covers up for what we lack?"
I never meant to stir the pot.
Just wanted answers to stuff I was never taught.
To make it work in my mind, to have my theology aligned
with the story in my hands. But what they gave me didn't land.
It didn't fit, and they grew tired of my probing the holes in all of it.
I wasn't letting my love grow cold,
but my faith was outgrowing what they were willing to hold.
So I was left with a hundred more
things that would bring
out the song
they never taught me to sing.
Never looked my way despite what He was doing.
They never gave a second thought to the girl with the baby on her knee.
Never thought God might work through the least of these.
Cause I’m here with the least of these.
No training in ministry. No fancy theology degree.
I'm just plain hungry.
“Hey it’s nice here in your house, but it's a lot with all the kids.
We support you either way, but is the study guide on the list?
You know we can help you in this plight.
Get you more "official," with expert-verified oversight.
Then people can come and take
and never learn to meditate
on their own.
Cause you know, you’re on your own.”
So here I stand in the gap. Sharing with the thirsty,
listening to the forgotten, helping the ones no one wants to help.
Searching for answers to the things they're all asking about.
But the problem is if you’re pretty and young and look the part,
then they don’t care a whole about what’s inside your heart.
They’re not interested in where it breaks.
They’re not interested in your take.
They'd rather say that they'll pray with thin actions, mainline.
Just follow the rules, stay in check. Smile and nod,
because we don't like the gifts in your design.
Don’t bring up the wrestling with truth
that you do in the night.
Don’t bring up the fire that burns inside
because that might hurt our pride.
Might shake us up too much to look you in the eye.
I asked for help holding my hands up to the sky,
they turned around and piously waved goodbye.
Wouldn’t look me in the eye.
Before you judge, have you looked me in the eye?
'Cause my eyes sting in the wind on the edge of this untamed place.
In the rage of His voice, His words shake the limbs
of the trees
that He made on day three.
And my knees scabbed with blood hit the dirt.
Ribs poke out, stomach groans under this shirt.
Stained feet exposed on this barren, hallowed ground.
Out there in the mountains I can hear the sound
of His glory rumbling. It's a holy eclipse.
I can't turn away from this faith apocalypse.
And from their stage they don’t see that I’m alive.
They're blind to the frontier, the frontier where I thrive.
God forbid I
stretch my hand,
or lift my voice,
or use my mind,
to make a way,
a road for the One
who comes up from Edom,
wearing a robe dipped in blood
with fire in His eyes.
He’s coming for His bride.
And they don't see
that’s she’s languishing.
And that it’s killing me.
I’m moved for the frontier to break a different path.
Always looking behind me for someone who’s got my back.
Looking for someone who can match this pace,
someone who can take it when His truth slaps us in the face.
This rucking back to Eden, it’s dangerous and it’s hard.
It’s not for the small of mind or the narrow of heart.
But its needed for feet of the One who brings Good News.
He is coming with Good News.
And I have to go.
I can’t unsee what He’s shown to me.
I can’t undo what He’s done for me.
I can’t fold up the map He’s put in my hand.
I can’t stop the great I AM.
“Hey they've all gone back church. They've left you in the dust.
Come back to what you know and, come on, isn’t that enough?
To just be ok with way they do faith?
It’s just the way things are.
You know, you should take some time and pray
about just trusting them with your heart.”
And in courageous love I say,
"It’s ok.
My wages will come with the ages. I’ll take frontier life over their stages."
You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm . . . you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the gathering of the Firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the Judge of all, to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel. See to it that you do not refuse Him who speaks . . . let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.
Heb. 12:18-29
Two Precious Stones 