Jealousy & envy–both original sins. We got kicked out of paradise for it . . . for wanting something we could not have. Engrained disobedience that started in the garden.
Love does not envy. But I do. Almost daily. Her abilities, his freedom, their bank account. Since our precious stones came along I’m often most jealous of a person I love deeply. Is that possible? To be envious of such an amazing gift? To wish I had his life? The ease of a day in a quiet office, plowing through piles of work without interruption. No one making a mess I just cleaned up. A day without tears. He said he’d be home by 5:15, and he walks in at 5:23. Selfishly I cringe. Eight extra minutes of solitude for him. Eight fewer for me. What dirty greed.
He formed me out of the dust. Gave me His breath; His life. Called me “very good.” Saved me in His perfect love. And yet the rebellion brews. I crave more. More security, more status, more peace, more time. More of what I do not have. A world of “if only’s.” My hatred builds; my love grows dim. How ironic. I close in so tightly on everything, and yet I grasp nothing.
And soon I am stranded, with no one left to withstand my dissatisfaction and apathy. I am ugly and alone, sulking in my jealous envy. Until He comes, poking holes in my heart to let the Light in. Breaking down the pride. Demolishing the entitlements. Exposing me. The Rescuer comes and makes me new.
In His grace and truth, I grow. His love becomes mine. A love that ignores the wrongs and seeks the rights. One that does not pick petty fights or hold eight minutes against the man who adores me. A love that releases the greed to unlock my brooding fists.
Open and empty, I receive. By letting go in love, I can hold so much more.